Memorandum
To: All Mark’s Body Employees
From: Mark’s Body CEO “The Brain”
Subject: Status Updates
As you all know this has been a very hectic couple of months for Mark’s body and I thought it would be easiest to just update everyone on where we are and what I would like to see changed.
First off, Mark as you all know went through that break-up with Christine a few months back. So, we have increased raw sugar and fat intake by over 40%. This has naturally led to a lot of stomach and fat expansions through out the body. And as you may have noticed, a large portion of the already small muscles department has disappeared due to cutbacks from all the fat expansions. I recognize this expansion goes against the “Gettin’ sexy for the summuh” initiative but all this fat has to go somewhere.
Also in relation to the expansion of fat project, Heart, you have got to increase productivity. You said you could handle the extra fat in your arteries when I asked you and I am currently very disappointed in your display thus far. Don’t think that just because your father got you this job that he can keep you at this job. There are thousands of hearts out there just begging for a position and you know that I will accept most of them.
In other news, I don’t mean to toot my own horn but the head division has once again retained the trivia championship this year! And not to brag again but this year we took the title by over 50 points. And again not to brag too much but I was the only person in the whole competition to score any points. Pretty impressive but I am not one to gloat so let’s move on.
On a more serious note Eyes, you have to get more serious about the job. You are constantly sending prank visuals to me and I really do not appreciate it. I know that I put out a more relaxed vibe and I try to make everyone feel comfortable but you must remember I am still your boss and I am not to be messed with. Either send me a visual of a goblet or send me a visual of two faces looking at each other. I simply don’t have the time to deal with both.
Anyway I just want to also get in a quick reminder about our goals this quarter.
1. Increase Dopamine by 10%.
2. Grow out our hair.
3. Decrease midnight sobbing over Christine by 3%.
And I know these goals seem tough now but I have faith that we are going to go above and beyond those goals this quarter.
Also I have been getting a lot of complaints from the Penis department that they are tired of traditional masturbation techniques and porn magazines. Now, this was a tough get and I really had to pull some strings but I am happy to announce a new subscription to an Internet porn site is coming your way! Congratulations to the Penis department on all the hard work they have put in over the past 15 years. I would first like to the thank Penis for being my right-hand man (Penis will get it) you have done so much for us I cannot thank you enough. And I think I say this on behalf of everyone: You deserve this one.
I believe that is all the news and updates for now. Thank you for your time and now lets get back out there and make this the best quarter yet! And before I forget one last thing. We are getting into Meth this next month so everybody prepare for that.
For more jokes and maybe even snacks you can follow me on twitter: @jshmoobie