Are you tired of being alone? Do you finally want to get back out on the dating scene and QUICKLY? Do you want to show “Sheryll” or any other woman just how sexy you look now? Well, then you are going to love the post breakup diet and workout plan. A five day plan that when properly executed will have you looking better than any model, athlete, or “Volunteer Fireman named Tom who is a ‘great listener’.” It worked for me, so it is going to work for you!
Day 1:
Workout- Start with multiple boxes of varying sizes starting around 10 pounds and going up towards about 45 pounds. Now lift each of these boxes and carry them for about 100 yards each, for reference that is about the distance from a second floor walk-up (that you paid most of the rent for) to a 1999 Honda Accord (that only had like two people die inside of it. Which isn’t a big deal and at least you have a car) in the parking lot. You should have enough boxes to do 3 sets, 5 reps each.
Diet: Go to your local diner and only order a Chicken Caesar salad. But you are just going to want to stare at that salad and remember that it was what you were eating when you first met each other. Only drink a glass of water.
Day 2:
Workout- Set up two cones about 30 yards apart (if you are doing a home workout about the size of a studio apartment will do.) You are going to want to pace frantically between the two cones for 5 minutes. Remember to breathe and also remember how this is not your fault and that she does not deserve an apology, you do.
Diet: Order Chinese takeout but when the delivery man shows up give him a huge hug and tell him that you don’t blame him, that he has always been there for you and that you love him for that. Eat two fortune cookies. Do not take the fortunes out before you eat them.
Day 3:
Workout- Arm heavy day. You are going to want to get two dumbbells 20 pounds each. Now take each dumbbell in one hand and lift, one at a time, to your face and hold it there for about 30 seconds, like you are holding a phone to your ear. While you are holding just remember to breathe really heavily. Then abruptly drop your arm and yell “NO!” 3 sets 20 reps each.
Diet: You get a little reward day, as it is the hump day. Eat a whole pizza wearing nothing but your Simpsons boxers and then pass out on the toilet.
Day 4:
Workout- This is going to be a cardio heavy day. Start with a light jog around the block. Then to get the real workout, start running as fast as you can towards the opposite side of town. Once you get there, take some time there to remember your old life and how happy you thought you were, and that you just want one more chance. Then walk into a Burger King bathroom stall and cry.
Diet: Fall asleep on your floor with a bag of Doritos.
Day 5: Last day! You have worked so hard to get to this point but now it is here. The final workout is to open your door, just open your door and smile. Then go to an airport, get on a plane, and move to a small village in Burma. You can live amongst a new people who will appreciate everything you do. You will be a God to them! They won’t expect you to be able to change a tire on a car, or have abs like a Chinese gymnast. And they definitely won’t expect you to be able to have sex for 15 minutes like some kind of solar powered sex machine. Life will be simpler.
Diet: Food in a Burmese village is hard to come by. So, there you go!
For more stuff that will make your parents think you’re cool you can follow me on Twitter: @jshmoobie